Tough dating questions to ask


21-Dec-2019 10:04

Often, in the throes of passionate romantic love, it is hard to envision that the daily, unromantic grind ("Why do you always use up the last of the coffee without letting me know? But take it from a therapist who is privy to people's relationship misery: It most certainly can.Below are some issues that you may not have thought about, but you must, before committing to someone. After all, love itself (and even commitment) can provide motivation to work through virtually anything.What happens if infertility is an issue — how hard will you continue to try, and how do you feel about adoption? How much do we talk about our relationship to others?What happens if one person still has the itch for more children after the second one? Few people outline ground rules about how much "private business" should be spread to other friends and family when they are first dating.What happens if one person unexpectedly wants to be a stay-at-home parent? And this is a good thing, as keeping strong emotional intimacy with friends and family can provide a safety valve for those that are in a controlling relationship (not to mention provide endless entertainment with stories of dating that are good, bad, or ugly).But once married, lots of people's expectations change.Sure, problems with substance abuse and gambling can crop up unexpectedly in a marriage, as we sometimes see when new casinos come to town.

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Take a hard look at your partner's — and your own — relationship with substances. "We are living like roommates, rather than lovers" is often used as an example of how a relationship has lost its spark, and indeed, it's not a good thing when your partner feels no different than the person you bunked with at summer camp.

There is no right answer about how much to share with friends and family, but the more you are on the same page, the better off — and less blindsided — you will be. How do we handle conflict, and how could we be better about it?

Decades of marriage and family research have shown one indisputable truth: Conflicts will arise, and how you handle those conflicts is every bit as important as the conflicts themselves. Does one person express their feelings and the other holds them in until resentment builds?

If each of you vaguely imagines having two children, that might sound like you're perfectly compatible on that score.

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But what if after one child, one of you absolutely wants to stop?

As much as you might want to ignore potential problems, it is invariably true that the earlier they are addressed, the better chance there is that they can be dealt with successfully. But, I would argue that getting along as roommates — though not sufficient for a marriage — is still vital and necessary.



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